My Half-Assed Oscar 2014 Red Carpet Observations

I love awards shows. Mostly for the gowns, but also for the awkward moments, the jokes that fall flat, the unexpectedly touching moments, the fun and flop pairings of presenters, the underdogs and people that no one has heard of that get their recognition in a shining beautiful moment, those inevitable instances when people try to walk the wrong way of the stage … the ‘in memoriam’ tribute during which I keep yelling – “why didn’t I know these people died??”

But most of the time, I’m not willing to invest 4+ hours in watching the shows themselves. And considering I’ve only seen two of the many films being honored tonight (and one of those was Despicable Me 2), I can hardly be considered knowledgeable in any way shape or form. Usually I catch up the next day and click through the ‘best and worst dressed’ image galleries, and get my fix that way.

Tonight I am going to choose work over watching the actual awards presentation, a decision that I’m already regretting – but I’m indulging in the 90 minute red carpet coverage, with ABC.

My stream of consciousness comments:

The rain let up for the Oscar red carpet parade… Tom Cruise must have made a call.

Robin Roberts is lovely in lavender.

Lara Spencer in a beaded column of white.

Lots of white on the runway this year. Also very pale pink, nude, pale gold.

Tyson Beckford – a man who rocks a tuxedo like it’s his job. Of course, it is his job. His delivery is as best wooden, but like I said, he looks pretty.

Viola Davis elegant in an emerald Escada sheath. Very handsome husband, btw. I don’t blame them for doing date night in the Jacuzzi.

Didn’t know who June Squibb was (actress in Nebraska) but her emerald drop earrings are stunning. And she was in the original Gypsy with Ethel Merman on Broadway, her stripper name was “Electra.” Love it.

Sidney Poitier and Bruce Dern couldn’t hear the questions being asked of them, a bit awkward.

Can they give the presenters a soundproof or semi soundproof area away from all the screaming fans – it’s distracting. No offense to the fans.

Laura Dern looks lovely – good hair.

Calista Flockhart as always looks like she’s about to keel over.  She too is in white. Harrison Ford keeps a guiding hand on the small of her back. And I do mean small.

Incidentally, glad to see Yoplait is using Rob Base’s “It Takes Two” for a commercial, I’m sure he appreciates the money.

Jared Leto – I will always love you for being Jordan Catalano, but the hair, when is it time to let it go? White jacket.

The #MyOscarPhoto gimmick is sad.

Like Ana Kendrick’s dress and look. Showing tasteful midriff. Dark nails. lacquered red clutch. Movie version of Into the Woods, why didn’t I know? Tracy Ullman? Johhny Depp? Sign me up.

Amy Adams in a minimalist dark purple column dress that makes her skin look beautifully alabaster. Her makeup is a little too minimalist but her hair is a classic French twist. Pretty Tiffany drop earrings. Channeling Kim Novak (per her).

Kevin Spacey can rock a navy tux. Jason Sudeikis’s tux also looked blue, he is looking very slim.

Cate Blanchett came dressed as the Oscar statuette.

Didn’t know Olivia Wilde had a baby bump. She looks glamorous.

People magazine guy, remember to keep the microphone near your mouth when speaking. Or the interviewee’s mouth(s). You’re sweet tho.

I do NOT want to see any celebs busting their asses on slick wet stairs.

Kerry Washington looks adorable – Jason Wu’s first Oscar dress. Her lip color is good. Touch of wrinkling at the bottom of her dress. God I’m critical. Mind you, I’m writing this while wearing a bathrobe. But a nice bathrobe.

White dress – Naomi Watts.

Lots of pretty little structured clutches.

White tux jacket – Matteo. Mom is in a white and silver short dress. Cute, looks like mod 60s style. Wife Camilla, not allowed to speak.

The dudes who carry the ballots in – do they have groupies?

Live TV is stressful.

JLaw’s short hair is cute. Rockin a peplum and a cool necklace.

I think Christopher Walken was wearing lipstick in the video about what it’s like to be a first time Oscar nominee.

It’s cute that Jonah Hill brings his ma as his date.

Not sure about Michael Strahan’s burgundy tux. I’m picturing the celebs trying to understand the point of the whole #MyOscarPhoto thing – they have this weird look on their face like ‘you want me to stand next to this TV screen why?’

Could Charlize just stop being so drop-dead gorgeous. Just stop.

Leo, also looked like a dark blue suit. He will always look like a 12-year old to me. He will also always be Luke on Growing Pains to me.

Leo not taking Lara Spencer’s bait to talk about his Mom as a date or his tux, wanted to talk about his film. Where does he think he is?

Jonah as the missing piece of the trifecta of Hollywood power with Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio? Not sure about that, Lara.

So Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name is pronounced almost pretty much as it’s written. Haven’t seen 12 Years a Slave but really enjoyed him in Serenity. See, I’m totally unknowledgeable.

“We’re going to move down the carpet.” That’s Lara’s way of saying get the f off my stage.

Cute feature of the 6 students who submitted a project to win the chance to be presenters and get behind the scenes tours – the whole Samsung product placement didn’t even feel too forced. They are all very poised young people.

I almost didn’t recognize Goldie Hawn – love her, don’t love her cosmetic surgeon.

Jamie Foxx’s daughter, in white. She is 20. Looks beautiful. He looks terrific for his age, whatever his age is.

Had a sudden pang of guilt that I’m paying this much time and attention to movies and pretty fabric while this whole Ukraine thing is going on.

“The dress that closes the deal” – DVF on the wrap dress. Yes.

If American Hustle wins for anything, it should be the wardrobe. The plunging necklines alone.

Does Jared wash his hair? Is he doing an ombre thing?

Did I miss Lupita? Liza?

Tyson, Julia Roberts is not to be called Jessica.

Tyson is trying hard to come up with something to say about each dress – Sandy Bullock’s is “amazingly blue.” Emma Watson’s is “Sparkling charcoal … coal … dress.” Poor guy.

Oh, there is Lupita. Pale, pale blue. Her Prada dress was inspired by champagne bubbles and she helped design it. Swoon.

Not feeling Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt’s looks. Or relationship.

Oh Bill Murray I love you. When did you start looking so old tho?

Wait, why is Jimmy Kimmel here to insult Lara Spencer? While wearing a wrinkled shirt? This sketch is painful. Does Jimmy need the plugging that much? I don’t watch his show.

Oh I see, he has a special coming on after the Oscars. Smooooth.

Are Will and Jada still together? She’s pretty in pink. He’s annoying. At least their kids are nowhere to be seen.

(is that too mean?)

16 minutes and 12 seconds until I can start dinner.

American Hustle is the only nominated movie I’ve seen (other than Despicable Me 2, which was excellent), and even I don’t think it should win many awards.

Who was that weird witch in pink they just showed?

I maintain that Jeremy Renner’s look in American Hustle was based on the mayor from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. I dare you to dispute this.


The People magazine guy is nearly choking talking to Sandra Bullock. He might plotz.

I bet the flowers at the Oscars smell really nice.

There was a sound a little while ago that might have been thunder, so the (larger) dog is now curled up behind me on the couch. Completing my Oscar glamour.

Neil Meron, a producer of the Oscars. Not a household name but no doubt a powerful man.

Gah, I forgot Ellen was hosting, I kind of want to see her opening monologue. Dinner might be late tonight. Later than usual.

You could not pay me to be in the control room of the Oscars, I might faint just from the stress in the air.

Damn, Robin’s arms do look good. And phew, at least she can conduct a decent interview.

Well, onto the Ellen show. By god, there wil be dancing.

And apparently a bunch of those gummy bear lamps all over the stage.

Ellen looks great in a tux, but this one appears to be from the Liberace collection.

Her energy seems a little subdued.

Is June Squibb really 84? Smashing!

Is that Lupita’s brother sitting next to her?

There’s Liza!! Yay. She looks good.

Ok Ellen where are you going with this. Maybe I should have started the pork loin.

Accck, they should warn a person before they cut to a shot of John Travolta.

Julia Roberts is laughing it up.

Way to call Amy Adams out for not going to college.   ?

Guess I don’t really remember Ellen’s hosting 7 years ago. Was it this roast-y? Way to make fun of Somalia, and downplay the AIDS epidemic.

Has Meryl only been nominated 18 times? Feels like more.

I tuned out for a few minutes to Windex something. Something about Matthew McConaughey being dirty.

Oh, and a dick joke to a racism segue. And we’re off!

To our first presenter Ann Hathaway, a person that many of us don’t really like tho we’re not exactly sure why.

Couldn’t Jared see the possibilities for other hairstyles while doing drag in Dallas Buyer’s Club? Well maybe the Oscar will help convince him to at least get a trim. (Matteo’s wife, still not allowed to talk.)

Ok when he started with “In 1971 …” I groaned a little, but good story about his mom/family. Wow, his mom is beautiful. Nice speech.  At least the beginning. Could have done without the 30 Seconds to Mars reference.

AND the Ukraine and Venezuela references! Oh, Jared. He is a dreamer.

I kinda wanted the Captain Phillips guy to win tho.

Jim Carrey, wearing an iridescent blue jacket from the Goodfellas collection. And doing impressions. Definitely time to start dinner.

I see Pharrell’s hat is back. Kid dancers are adorbs. Why is Jamie Foxx’s daughter on the stage now?

Not sure I’m ready for how I will look talking into my wristwatch. Calling Dick Tracy.

That red rose stage draping looks cool.

Did NOT recognize Kim Novak.  Quite a husky voice.  Unfortunately, it seems hard for her to move her mouth to speak. Or smile.  I think Matthew M is propping her up.

Just noticed that they make the ‘lesser’ nominees (make-up, animated short) sit in the side boxes. At least they’re not standing like those other people that were shown.

Maybe the color on my tv needs to be adjusted but several of the presenters are looking mighty orange.

I was out of the room when Harrison Ford came on – why is he starting to look a little like The Dude?

Kristen Bell – in white.  Looks pretty.

Does JGL always talk like that?

I feel like Ellen is phoning it in a little.

Oh, Zac, did you not go to rehearsal? Or read your two lines before walking on stage? Maybe you is pretty but not so brights.

Karen O – oh oh yes!  And cute guy on the guitar, yeah yeah.

As a kid raised on public television, it’s odd to think of the Muppets as shills, but the tea commercial was cute, and the use of the Nilsson song from Midnight Cowboy – love.

Kate Hudson – white dress. Good plungey neckline.

Here is how I summed up the Oscars to my husband: Lots of blue tuxes, lots of white dresses. Lots of work done, Goldie Hawn.

So, Glenn Close not nominated for anything this year? She is sitting glumly in the back of the audience.

The brown velvet jacket – in a crocodile print  -was a bold choice.

What is John Stamos doing there?

Calista, don’t raise your hand when Ellen asks who will eat pizza.

I hate to say it, but Bradley Cooper in American Hustle killed his sex appeal for me. Does that mean he’s a good actor?

Yay Darlene Love!

Hey, Murder She Wrote won an honorary award. She looks good for 88, wow. And Steve Martin, who is known amongst my friends as “the Silver Fox.”

Ellen changed into white. Including white sneakers.

The theme of tonight has something to do with heroes – are they going to mention the military or veterans at any point? I’ll admit I haven’t been watching the whole thing.

Johnny Weir, Tara Lepinski – white.

Did anyone get poor pregnant Kerry Washington some pizza? She really did look hungry.

Is the guy next to JLaw her bfriend? He looks like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.

It’s hard to believe anyone would have hard feelings about Lupita winning. She even got a Liza Minelli bear hug!

What a lovely, lovely acceptance speech. Gaah.

Brad Pitt handing out paper plates – cute.

Did the pizza guy really not know what was going to happen?

Oh finally, pizza for Kerry .

And stoned Harrison Ford.

Sorry MPAAS pres, totally downplayed your intro. Pizza!

Museum that looks like Klingon vessel to open in 2017.

Amy Adams and Bill Murray, get a room you two.

One of the Gravity guys (Emmanuel Lubezky) thanked his teachers – good on ya.

Just what is Whoopi wearing. Pink did a great job, tho. Ruby slippers in dress form.

Why Wizard of Oz tribute now – 75 years? I didn’t actually listen to Whoopi. Distracted by Lorna Luft’s dress and of course LIZA.

Kylie Minogue? Oh, Catherine Martin.

Oh, there’s Glenn Close. Never a winner?

Eileen Brenner died?

Oh, Peter O’Toole. You’re missed.

Two people who worked on Room with a View died this year. Conspiracy?

Oh Harold Ramis.

Esther Williams died?

Interesting they ended it on Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And having Bette come out and sing Wind Beneath my Wings? Heavenly choice.

If the producers were going for an emotional connection with this year’s Oscars, they have done well.

One thing I think the Oscars also does well is create rifts between spouses. Right now my husband is sulking in the bedroom because he hates “this show.”

Goldie, I love you so I’m not going to say anything.

That’s some toupe, John T.

I love an original score. And a rhyming acceptance speech! And someone else now can claim the EGOT, cool.

Who brought Georgina Chapman as a date? Posh.

Lupita’s headband and her lip balm, cute.

what is Ellen going to do with the cash she collected in Pharrell’s enormous hat?

Where can I get my hands on some of those typewriters they had on stage? Penelope Cruz’s accent is intoxicating.

John Ridley, screenwriter, rocking the black dress shirt with black tie with black jacket.

Angie, take your hands off Sidney Poitier!

Ok so I said I didn’t want American Hustle to sweep, but I also didn’t want them to totally get shut out. Or Nebraska. But I do like listening to Cuaron talk. He called the people at Warner Brothers “wise guys,” but meant “wise people.” Cute mix-up. Loved that he switched to Spanish at the end.

Oh, DDL. I just have such a thing for Daniel Day Lewis. Oddly enough, ever since seeing him in My Left Foot. But especially in My Beautiful Laundrette. And Last of the Mohicans.

So there’s been a lot of Sandra Bullock love – but nary a mention of George Clooney. Where is the Cloonester, anyways?

Of course Blanchett won. She did thank Woody Allen, despite what some thought. She told Julia Roberts to #suckit. I think they gave her more than 45 seconds.

Whoa, Matteo. Way to go. And you kept your shirt on.

Wait, why Will Smith?

Welp, it would appear that I watched the whole damn thing. Got sucked in. Even too busy to follow the apocalyptic snow reports.

But I still managed to make a tasty dinner. Night, kids.


Oscars 2014 – I Got Sucked In


2 thoughts on “Oscars 2014 – I Got Sucked In

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