Dallas – it’s back in black

Last spring, we witnessed the death of J.R. Ewing and the execution of his ‘final masterpiece.’ We found out who REALLY killed J.R., again, for reals, and saw that once again John Ross can’t keep it in his pants. Tho at least his seductions (Emma Ryland) appear to be strategic. Maybe.

That was April 2013 … it’s now February 2014 but according to tonight’s episode …it’s a whole 12 hours later. Just like actual soap opera time!

As with any good story, it raises as many questions as it provides answers.

Questions like …

Why would you want to bury your family members in the backyard?

Can John Ross be so sure that there aren’t security cameras in this Omni hotel room where he’s cheating on his new wife with his … sort of cousin I guess?

Aww John Ross got teared up at his daddy’s giant ass belt buckle. Then he proposed to scarface (sorry, FPamela.  Wait, sorry Pamela) with a giant ass diamond. She said yes, duh. Cue extravagant wedding planning!

John Ross immediately goes back to pissing his uncle Bobby off by planning to remodel South Fork. Bobby suggests he move out.

Christopher and Skeletor (Elena) are still mad at each other, awww. You know it’s Angry Christopher because he has an ugly beard.

Meanwhile, you know Elena is in Mexico because there is a mosquito net around her bed. Is she being manipulated by Cliff Barnes or is what he told her legit? If she gets angry enough, will she grow a beard? Only tiempo will tell.

Could Cliff Barnes start to look any more like the Crypt Keeper?

Elena makes a deal with the devil, aka Cliff, to get even with the Ewings, tho she said what she’s doing is for justice, not revenge. Tomato, Tomato.

Well that didn’t take long for Christopher to get a new love interest, a feisty ranch hand named … well I didn’t actually catch her name.

The J.R. watch and belt buckle are a little big for John Ross’s frame.

Sue Ellen describes her brother-in-law with a nice turn of phrase, saying Bobby is a ‘steel hand in a velvet glove.’

If these people are so rich, why do they all freakin live together?

and why should it be awkward for Pamela to marry another Ewing at South Fork within like less than a year?

Christopher tries to get Elena back, she says she needs time and wants to move out (cue feisty cowhand) … but wait, why wouldn’t it be better for her to stay at South Fork and everyone keep living under one dysfunctional roof?

Elena clearly has spent too many years with the Ewings, because she just lied to her mama!

Drew I guess is living on the lam in Mexico with some guy named Joaquin. Or should we just call Joaquin someone’s Love Interest #7.

Cue the gaudy renovation of the new Ewing Global HQ, with big yellow EGs on everything.

Elena’s glasses make her look like Christopher Reeve’s Clark Kent (RIP). It’s like her dark side alter ego is the doofy, nerdy looking one.

And naturally, they give her a job without any hesitation despite the terrible blood between all of them.

EG has to come up with half a billion dollars for some Antarctic drilling rights or something. Only half a bill?

Nice ConAgra mention (one of the world’s largest food companies).

Who the hell is Nicholas Trevinnnno? How can he and Elena both be Cliff’s proxy? Has the word proxy ever been used so many times in one television program?

Ok, so no one is going to vet this guy? Oh, right, Mexipedia.

How many magnums of champagne do they routinely keep on ice at EG?

Why aren’t the secretaries at EG packing heat?

Why is Pamela’s skirt so short?

Was that Whatsapp Emma was just using?

Will Pamela and Emma end up being allies or go down in a flaming pile of bitchdom?Emma is evil but my money would be on Pamela. And if Sue Ellen likes Pamela, she’ll fight for her, and there’s no way I’d bet on Emma over Sue-mela.

What can be done to move the Arctic Ocean Auction? I ask myself that question at work all the time.

Well that didn’t last long – John Ross and Sue Ellen are feuding again with Bobby and Christopher – over FRACKING. So topical!

Did Sue Ellen just catch John Ross boffing Emma?

And John Ross should listen to his mama when she says they’ll be stronger together.

How come jerky Ryland gets his own cell? Wait, how did he get out of jail? he appears to be at the mercy of some drug lords who are threatening Emma, will he really care?

So not shockingly, Trevinnnno turns out to be Joaquin. What’s their play? Is he an Elena love interest? He and Emma would make a nice couple.

Nice Hornitos tequila product placement.

Can Nicholas/Joaquin be trusted?



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